Swearing is not one of my most ladylike characteristics but I find that there are occasions that warrant some profanity. (and I'm really good at it!) "Are you f'n kidding me?!?!?" When I found out how much I owe the IRS. "Oh, sh*t!!", when I speed by a cop on the highway. "Unf'nbelievable!!" (internal dialogue, with an eye roll) when I get in the wrong line at the bank behind someone who has decided to bring in their life savings of pennies. (Really?!) I learned this skills set from the master, my mom. She was the CEO of a family with no bonuses and endless overtime so she had every right to throw out the occasional f-bomb. This, however, was a one way street which I found out at the ripe old age of ten. I was riding on my yellow Schwin ten speed (envy of the neighborhood) without using my hands (super cool) and listening to my Sony Walkman.(which was also yellow) I hit a crack, lost control and wiped out. I walked in the door, tear stained and bloody. My mom ran to me and asked "what happened?" "My f'n bike hit a crack and I wiped out." She looked at me and said, "I will clean you up and than that mouth of yours." (oh crap!) Depending on the level of offense this would dictate the amount of time we had to suck on a bar of soap. (I was usually at DEFCON 1) To ensure there was no enjoyment during this punishment she found the most heinous bar of soap ever invented. Lava, manufactured since 1893 and made for coal miners.

This is total bullsh*t! Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor! (crazy bitch) I've been schizophrenic every morning trying to get dressed. I have yet to run into anyone today that says, "this is awesome, I love Minnesota!"  Everyone is surly including the local wildlife.  I had a goose flip me off this morning. (he was pissed he came North too soon)  I'm an optimist (naive) girl when it comes to Spring's arrival so in my drunken stupor of 70 degree weather a week a ago, I dropped off my winter coats to get cleaned.

I recently went on a three day business meeting where upper management decided to implement a new and more relaxed dress code which was business casual. (goodie, I get to go shopping!) I've never seen business casual interpreted in so many ways. (Emily Post would have flipped out!)  Needless to say the dress code for the next meeting was business dress with a four page memo outlining specifically what was acceptable. (maybe next time boys you'll re-think the Crocs, Zubaz and RUSH t-shirts, I'm just sayin') I'm the first to admit, I don't always know what to wear when I receive an invitation for a party, for example:

I've recently been a victim of tagged photos on Facebook. (I have the same yearbook and paybacks are a bitch, I'm just sayin'). Anyhoo, I found out at an early age that the camera adds ten pounds. (fantastic! I was just thinking my thighs we're looking a little too skinny)  So, I've learned a few tips over the years to avoid some of the following missteps in photos. (thank you Top Model).